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  • redxhlia

D/s relationship advice & thoughts

Hello everyone,

The one year mark since I & pet have signed our Owner/pet contract is approaching. The past year has come with all sorts of obstacles for the both of us - especially with family affairs, health & traveling. I’ve had time to review & self reflect so here are some thoughts & friendly advice for those that seek a long term D/s & perhaps even a romantic relationship simultaneously.

PS: Being rather informal & candid in this post.

Timeouts & Relationship Reviews

Going to place this at the top of the list because not many truly understand how crucial it is to have open communication between partners. It is important that your sub (let’s categorise all pets/littles/slaves/subs/etc as this for the time being so that there isn’t any confusion) has a safe space to communicate regardless of the dynamic. If necessary, create a “timeout” regularly for a proper relationship review. I understand that for subs it can be difficult to voice out concerns, fears & objections - yes, it’s still your responsibility as a sub to be able to say no, however it is also the responsibility of the Dom/me to check in & make sure you aren’t blindsiding & pushing yourself beyond what you can take.

Which brings me to the next point.

Kink is not Professional Therapy

Let’s be real. Everyone has trauma. Some more than others. However it’s the point of actively working towards self awareness & bettering yourself regardless of your past. Kink can be therapeutic - I myself treat my professional sessions as a form of release & space of zen. But it is not professional therapy. An ex partner once said to me that he was beyond the help of professional therapy. I call this statement bullshit, but I will also add that there are so many forms of professional therapy & it’s very unlikely a person is beyond help unless they’ve tried every route available in humanity which funnily enough probably includes joining a legitimate cult.

Back to the point. It is okay to have trauma & have coping mechanisms that work for you, but at any point, do these mechanisms hurt or affect others around you? And are you doing anything to better those aspects of yourself?

There is no shame in keeping yourself in check.


Recently I found out that some Dom/mes no longer use safewords after a few sessions with their subs. Professional or not, please don’t be so fucking complacent. A sub puts their body & mind in your hands. The least you can do is make sure that they are actively consenting. Check in throughout the session.

And yes, sometimes subs forget the safewords especially in scenes with high adrenaline & even fear. It is no way your fault. It is the Dom/mes responsibility to check in & remind you that you are able to Safeword if necessary.

I know I’m putting a lot of pressure on Dom/mes here. But it’s literally the reason why we are the Dom/mes in the dynamic. If you aren’t up for the responsibility, go back to fetish porn.

Changes in your kinks

Sometimes over a period of time, the kinks shared between a Dom/me & sub may no longer align. As you grow as people, your kinks may change & so will your dynamic. Pet has transformed from being an impact sub to flourishing more as a service sub. I absolutely love it & I appreciate her for everything she has done to be the perfect pet. However for some relationships this may be difficult to come to terms with. It is up to the both of you in the dynamic to address the change & assure that you both will work through it, or part civilly.


Everyone needs aftercare. Even Dom/mes. Aside from the usual check ins after a session, find out what helps for either party & compromise. For example, after sessions I need time away but I don’t want pet to leave the space. So instead we’ve settled with a ritual where she preps a lovely bath for me to soak & wind down. If I am ready, she can join me once I’ve had sufficient “alone time”. It’s different for everyone. Some people need cuddles, some just wish to talk things out. But whatever it is, communicate it & plan how you can support each other mutually.

There’s so much more I’d want to highlight, but these are the main few. Happy & safe kinking.

Not yours,




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